How to Split Wood

1. Split one cord of wood with a maul.
2. Look at calendar. Remember you're not 25 anymore and maybe that's why your arm hurts. Go to doctor for cortizone shot. Wait six months to heal.
3. Go to Agri-Supply and buy hydraulic wood-splitter. Don't tell wife how much you spent, but let her know that it was cheaper than arm surgery.
4. Bring wood splitter home. Attach to tractor and realize you need some hoses to make it work.
5. Go to local tractor store for hoses. They ask you what type of fittings you need. You have no idea.
6. Go back home and take pictures of tractor and wood splitter so you can show the parts guy at the tractor store and figure out what type of fittings you need.
7. Go back to tractor store. Find out that hydraulic hose is $4.75 per foot, cut to order and non-refundable. Go back home to re-measure how much hose you need.
8. Go back to tractor store. Buy hose and fittings. Don't tell wife how much you spent.
9. Go home and realize the fittings don't fit. Return fittings.
10. Call another tractor store and order (hopefully) the right fittings.
11. Wake up in the middle of the night and realize that the way you were planning to connect the hoses is not going to work. Per item 7 above, panic.
12. Wake up in the morning, take a look at wood splitter and figure out another way to attach hoses. Relax.
13. Second set of fittings arrive. They fit! Look at invoice and hide immediately from wife.
14. Start work on connecting hoses from splitter to tractor. Realize you still need half-inch couplings. Run to tractor store.
15. Tractor store is out of half-inch couplings. Go to hardware store and buy couplings.
16. Connect hoses, find a good helper,
    
    start tractor, and split wood. Rock and roll!
17. Notice vast amounts of hydraulic oil leaking from hoses. Tighten fitting you forgot to tighten, and wrap teflon tape around threads you forgot to wrap.
18. Continue splitting wood. Rock and roll!
19. Spend 45 minutes putting away all the tools strewn about from your project. Find out you had 1/2 inch couplings all along.
20. Keep smiling!